Why I needed to Lose

14 months ago I was sitting in the stands at a karate tournament, trying not to cry. I won't go into too much detail, it ended up being a moment that turned into my first blog post so I've already wrote all about that moment. Since then I have had some wins and some losses. But that moment ended up being a catalyst for some change, even though it came about a little slower than it probably should've.

In my competitive history, I hadn't ever really had to eat dirt. Eating dirt is what my coach calls putting in your time basically. At some point, you will have to eat some dirt, sometimes that's at the beginning of when you start competing. You compete, and you struggle to even break into the top 10, and you have to work at it and work at it, and then maybe you make top 10, then top 8, then you start breaking into the top 4. And eventually, if you keep working and hustling for and wanting that win and if you're disciplined, you win. Personally, I think eating dirt at the beginning is probably easier. There is nothing like chasing the competition to be a strong motivator to work harder.

I got to eat dirt in what I am calling the middle of my competing. I had competed as an adult sporadically from 2010 to 2013. With a smattering of places ranging in the 1st-3rd area. I always placed. When I started competing regularly in 2014, I won 1st frequently. I won my first Grand Champion that year. I also won my first state title. I actually won two state titles, and was 1st runner up and 2nd runner up in two other categories. I followed that up in 2015 with more of the same, and in 2016. We started competing at some regional tournaments, and again I would either win, or get 2nd or 3rd. And I won quite a few Grand Champions as well. I was a big fish in a small pond. In 2017 we got serious and I started competing at NASKA and USANKF tournaments regularly. I won my first NASKA Grand Champion in weapons at my 2nd tournament. That year I dominated weapons, winning 3 NASKA World titles in weapons, Grand Champion numerous times, and took 2nd in forms. I beat the competitor that usually wins forms once that year. USANKF I made it past the first round, once. 2018 I was still competing in 4 different divisions in NASKA and trying to do USANKF tournaments as well. I ended up getting the traditional weapons title in NASKA that year, but just barely. And I still hadn't made it past the first round at an NKF event. I was eating dirt. Eating dirt sucks, nobody wants to eat dirt, we all want to win, otherwise we wouldn't be competing.

To quote my coach again, "You either win or you learn." I would like to say I was learning, and I'm sure I was, it just took long to sink in. And I think that is because I came from a history of winning. I had to lose enough that it pissed me off, that I began to doubt myself. I had to lose enough to really recognize where I was at with my karate. And then I had to decide to change that, which meant I was going to have to make some life changes too. Losing made me realize how much I really wanted it, and what I was willing to give up to get it. Losing took away my complacency.

I've won 1st in forms at 5 of the last 6 tournaments I have competed at. And I'm not where I want to be. If anything I am hungry-er than ever.