There is no crying in Karate...I think

So here I am, starting a blog. For the record, the written word is definitely not my favorite or best medium of communication, but growth happens when we step outside our comfort zone (yes I just used that quote to justify my blog, lol).

This past weekend I was in Colorado for a karate tournament, and experienced something that I haven't had happen in a long time, a very long time, honestly I am not even sure if it ever has happened before, although I realize it could have and I have just done a good job of blocking it out. I found myself on the verge of tears after a loss. And generally speaking, I am fairly un-emotional in that regard (I am very well acquainted with my temper though). It caught me off guard, and I was able to contain them and keep them from leaking out. Although it was a close one when one of my coaches/instructors came and talked to me before I had really had a chance to squash them. I felt the moment my voice broke, and my emotions started to race straight to my tear ducts and close my throat off. But internally I gave everything I had and shut it down.

It's not the actual loss that had my in tears, I mean I don't like losing, but it happens, and it doesn't upset me to that point. I learn from it and move on. These tears were coming from emotions I have been shoving down, and this loss drove them straight to the surface. It was frustration at feeling like I am not improving at all, it was frustration at feeling like I am never going to get where I want to be, it was the negative thoughts that maybe this isn't my path or where I am supposed to be, or that I am a little too late to the game.

My tears I can squash, those feelings however are a bit harder to make go away. Self doubt is real and she is a bitch. And I don't do anything half way, I am too much of an all or nothing kind of person, for better or worse, and sometimes worse, is well, worse. Now before this turns into a pity party, or looks like one (it might already, and if so, well...oh well), I can rational set those emotions aside and realize those things may not be the case, and likely aren't, but self doubt likes to hold on tight.

However today, a full 24 hours separated from that moment I know it for what it was, and can say I successfully didn't cry at karate. :) I also went on to win gold in kobudo, so it wasn't all a bad day, in fact it actually was a great day. That just had a rough spot. My team members did well, winning multiple golds, silvers and bronzes. Including my student winning a gold and my spouse winning two golds and a silver.

And I learned more about myself.

So I am going to end my first blog post with a quote, which feels a bit cheesy :), and then I am going to go train.

"Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and Determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan “Press On” has solved and will always solve the problems of the human race." - Calvin Coolidge

#karate #karatelife #usankf #kobudo #trainhard #juststrong #persistence